On a day when it was very cold and windy, the wind brought the news of a child who was not yet in the world. Soon it would be time for the child to be born, entering into a world of expectations. Until then, maybe this child did not know where it was going, or why, or what people would expect from the child.
A family also waited to hear from the doctor. And there was a pregnant mother waiting for her child. She had not thought about the pains she was suffering, because she was worrying. She had lost two daughters already, yet she had to have a child because her in-laws were violent. That is why her daughters had died.
After one hour in hospital, the nurse came and told the mother in-law, “Congratulations! You have a grand-daughter.”
The mother-in-law said, “Thanks to Allah for giving us this gift although it is not a son. It is okay it is a daughter.”
This child was me, Seeta.
Because I was a girl, the mean words and violence began towards me at that time. When my uncle who was only 11 went to tell my aunts about my birth, they responded: “Thanks for the news, but this is not a son.” Or they said, “My poor brother, after years he got a daughter. Oohhh, daughter, daughter….”
This was not my sin or my mother’s sin. This was the sex that Allah gave to me. It is not changeable by a mother.
As years passed and I grew up, my father loved me a lot; my mother too. But the other people—my uncles and aunts and even the neighbors—they used to tell my mom she is very unlucky to not have a son.
My mother was educated and she responded, “I am young and maybe Allah will give me a son.” This became a dream. Her second and third children were born, but they were daughters.
We three sisters always were disappointed that none of us was a son, but my father said, “I raise my daughters the same as boys, even better.” People did not stop their bad words against us. Nobody thought about how if we believe in Allah, then we should accept Allah’s wishes.
As I grew up I was very sad. I even hated myself for being a girl and, in the future, a woman. When I reached seven years old, I told my father, “Dad, you should not worry that you do not have a son. I will work for you the same as a son and then people will say to you, ‘Ohhh what a brave daughter you have.’ ”
My father smiled and said, “My dear, you are right. You are also human and have power, but you never can change to a son and it is very difficult for you to do the work that a son can do.”
I told him, “Yes, Father, you are right. Possibly I cannot do the same work that a son can do, but I will be a help for you in the future.”
My father did not say anything and left me with a world of my childhood wishes. He sent me to school. I was in love with my school. In the first grade I became the third student with 95 percent marks. My father was very proud. My uncle’s sons were uneducated. When the Taliban took power in Afghanistan I had to stay at home like other girls.
We left for the city of Nimroz where my father had opened a small shop. The shop was far from our house and every day I took my father’s lunch to him. After lunch he used to leave the shop so he could go to the mosque for his prayers. I was the younger shopkeeper. The other shopkeepers were surprised at how I managed the shop and sold things to the customers.
After Nimroz we left for Iran. During that time I helped my father when he was traveling to do his business. Because he was an Afghan he was not allowed to work, but I dressed like an Iranian and I was a child, so police were kind and did not say anything while my father did his work. At that time we three sisters were studying in Iran. At home we worked by cleaning pistachios to help our father.
For years and years I was a support to my father: shopping, working, and studying. I have done a lot to show my father I can do the work that a son can do.
My father was happy in front of me and my sisters. But outside the family he was not happy. His mother and brothers wanted him to marry again. When we heard this—me and my sisters and my mother—we sat at home in a dark room. We could only cry and cry that Father has to have a son.
Who can change Allah’s decision?
The girl’s family changed their mind and told my father, “You have three good, educated daughters. You can live with them.” My father changed his decision to marry again after that.
After the fall of the Taliban regime we came back to Afghanistan. We had no house and my father did not have a good salary so I decided to find a job. A project was opening in my province where they needed teachers to teach adult students. I was 15 and in ninth grade, but I went for the interview. I succeeded because I had studied in Iran. In the morning I went to school and in the afternoon I taught my class. My students were older than I, but I enjoyed teaching them, and with my salary we could have enough food.
When I graduated I did not pay attention to my higher education because of economic problems. I started work. I helped my father to buy a small house—it was ours—we could live there without problems. Then we got medicine for my mother, and then we bought a car. Not a very expensive car, but it can take us somewhere.
After years, my uncles and my aunts said, “Your daughters are better than my sons. We have sons, but we do not have a good life like yours.”
After years and lots of violence against us, now they say that there is no difference between boys and girls.
But it is very late. My mom suffered problems from all the violence; we never felt happiness because of our gender. I now have a brother too. He was born after 17 years in Afghanistan and he is three years old and so lovely. When I go to ceremonies my cousins no longer tell their friends that we do not have a brother.
Today I am happy that I was born a daughter, not a son. Some of my friends say to me, “Seeta, you are a man, not a woman.”
But I say, “I prefer to be called a woman.”
By Seeta
Photo by Martin van Asseldonk
Seeta,
What an incredible story. Through your writing, I feel the anguish that you felt, wanting to be loved and accepted for who you are and working so hard to prove your value. Your point that your sex was Allah’s decision and not a sin of yours or your mother resonated with me deeply. It’s such an important statement – so often we get wrapped up in our religious practices that we forget that everything comes from the creator, and we should accept and treasure those gifts.
I admire your strength and conviction and your deep love for your family that drove you to work so tirelessly. They are blessed to have a daughter like you.
I would be so interested to hear more about your life in Iran. How you and your family adapted to life there, and how you felt about coming back to Afghanistan.
I’ll continue to follow your writing!
Sara
Dear Seeta,
Thanks for sharing your story. You made a very good point that our society as much as they claim to be religious they don’t follow the wishes of their creator. Our society has turned into a robot that performs the religious duties regulary but doesn’t use the brains to understand the simple fact that if they claim to be Muslims which literally means the one who submits to wishes of God, then they should cherish all of God’s creation.
Apart from religious discussion, it doesn’t matter whether the child is a boy or a girl it depends on how the parents raise them.
I am proud of you and as the previous commentator mentiond your family is blessed to have three daughters. Keep up the good work. “I prefer to be called a woman” Love this sentence.
Most of all keep writing.
Zohal
What a beautiful story, Seeta. I’m touched by your dedication and bravery.
What an amazing woman you are, Seeta. It is almost hard to believe than a girl growing up in the society you live in with the violence you refer to and the attitudes towards females can develop the strength that you clearly have. Your unique spirit combined with your father’s love and acceptance has made you who you are. I also had a father who raised 2 daughters to be confident and strong women. How lucky your family is to have you. You are a wonderful writer and I hope you continue to write.
You are a very strong woman and your story is very inspiring.
Very good to read your story! Thanks for sharing it with us. You must feel very proud of yourself. You are a warrior. Congratulations for your strong will power.
Hugs,
Renata, from Brazil.
Seeta —
Through your skillful storytelling, you not only show us the terrible toll that sexism takes on mothers and daughters, but you also show the blessing of having a child like you, whether boy or girl. It is particularly striking how you and your sisters work so hard to care for and love your parents and family, and your male cousins turn out to be a drain on their parents.
I look forward to reading your next story!
It might help you to know that is the MAN’s chromosomes that decide if a baby will be a girl or a boy. There would be less blame put on the mother if this very basic fact of life was known.
BASIC GENETICS : Women ALWAYS pass on an X chromosome to a baby .
Men can pass on EITHER an X OR Y chromosome.
A GIRL would have 2 X chromosomes : The X from the woman and an X from the man.
A BOY would have one X and one Y. The X from the woman and a Y from the man.
The father decides the gender based on which chromosome he passes on to the child.
EDUCATION in subjects like BIOLOGY, GENETICS are very interesting to learn about .
Dear Seeta:
Thanks for writing this story and dear Barbara:
Thanks for your information regardig genders, biology and genetics, but I wish people could understand it, even educated males blame women for having daughters!
A mother with her daughters are always a problem at home, It makes me mad! will I be alive to see women of my country being happy inside their houses?!
Dear Seeta:
When your friends call you a man, they dont mean a man with beards, a human physicaly looks like a man, there are women in our country who are more than men, in bravery, honesty, tolerance… and you are one of those. I am proud of you.
Seeta,
What an amazing story. It’s amazing that in a world in which their are women presidents that there are still places were having a daughter is a sad event. I am glad your father saw you as a gift and that he saw the importance of educating you and your sisters, even though you were girls. I enjoyed your story a lot, thank you for sharing!
Dear Seeta,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is a sad thing how you had to face discrimination from early age, just becuase you were born a girl. No one should be blamed for something that is beyond human powers. It is God’s will that you were born into this world as a girl. I am glad that you were strong enough to overcome the society’s expectations for girls. You make me proud, being a women myself. Thank you, once again, for such an amazing story.
You are a very admirable person. Your determination and kind heart have been a blessing to your family, and you deserve all of your life’s desires. So many people today take their family and possessions for granted, and your story puts so much into perspective. You took the very trait that you had no control over and were constantly degraded for and let it be your strong point. You provided for the well-being of your family, and through your education and teaching, you helped others in your community that may not have received help otherwise. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dear Seeta,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry for all of the difficulties and pain you have suffered. It is not like this for women everywhere, not in my country, and it is amazing that you are showing your country that it doesn’t have to be that way in Afghanistan either. I admire your courage. Blessings to you and your family.
Nancy
Seeta,
I loved reading about your incredible personal strength in this essay. I admire your determination to prove yourself worthwhile to your family- not by copying men or giving up your identity, but by standing up for yourself as a woman. Reading about your determination to surpass others’ expectations of a ‘worthless woman’, as well as your family’s support, left me smiling and cheering inwardly.
Thank you so much for sharing!
-Alice
Seeta-
You are the bravest and strongest example and struggling woman could ask for. Every woman should be proud of who they and what they can accomplish no matter how bad their situation is. I admire your strength and perseverance. Even women and girls how live in violence free communities must be proud of who they are. You have lived through the worst of things and I am honored to have read your writing. You deserve everything good that life brings to you and you have the courage to get through the bad. Thank you
You are a gift not only to your family, but to all womankind. Your words give strength and courage. Continue to speak through your writing.
Seeta, this is such an incredible story. You should be so proud of yourself. You’ve proved that women shouldn’t be judged because of their gender. Women are just as capable to do things that men do and you are such an amazing role model for that. Your story has inspired me to prove to the rest of the world that women are strong and capable. Just like you, I am happy that I was born a daughter and not a son. You have so much courage and strength. You went through the violence and hatred and came out the better person. You are an inspiration to every women. Congratulations.
This is so inspirational and touching, you have such a strong heart. God bless you Seeta.
Good for you, but what makes me sad is our culture has not changed , the day they realize wh girls/womens can do…they will create heaven for us and paradise for them. You are brave n never compromise for anything less ..
Hey sweet Seeta jan
this is not a story this is a big issue and challenge that each girl face in each family in Afghanistan —– but we women are proud to be called women we are the strongest creature of Allah