Is it a feeling? Is it an environment? Or is it family? I hope it’s family, but I hope it’s environment also. I have been married for one year and I live in a joint family and I’m not sure whether I’m “not happy” or I’m “sick of this life.”
My husband is a wonderful man. He is all my wishes come true. But there are limits in this space. Anything I ask that involves his family is rejected. He cannot reject his family’s wishes; he cannot go against them. He was raised in a conservative way. In his world, his parents are absolute; his parents make the choices for everyone in the family and I am no exception.
At first I thought, “I can handle anything they say or do if I’m with my husband.” But now I don’t know. I don’t know why I cannot handle anything. Sometimes I regret marrying. Not for my sake, but because my husband deserved better, someone who can handle his family without any mistakes. Someone who wouldn’t complain and who wouldn’t mind if she must overwork herself.
I’m just not right for him. I was in love for years and I wanted to be only with him, but never did I consider his feelings. Never did I ask for a minute, “Am I going to keep him happy?”
Have I made the biggest mistake of my life? Not for marrying him, but for making him marry me. Am I person who was so selfish she only thought about herself?
Photo by Dirk Haas
Your essay is complicated … I guess your thoughts are complicated. You express fear or regret that you can’t be the kind of woman your husband needs, but I don’t see how you forced him to marry you! I think he must have chosen to marry you. One year of marriage — I guess it is still a little bit new for you. I don’t know how many people are in your husband’s joint family, but I guess it must be hard for you not to ever get what you want. That would be very difficult. You write that you love your husband but that he always has to obey his family. That seems difficult too! The important thing is to really know what you feel and to be honest with yourself about your feelings. From that place of honesty, then you can think more clearly. But you have to reach that inner part of yourself that is clear.
Will you keep writing more essays? You have a very valuable voice! I hope to read more of your writing.
Dear, dear sister:
First of all let me thank you for writing this essay, it is tittle grabbed my attention to read it until the end.
As an Afghan woman I fully understand your feelings, thanks for your honesty you have write it down for the readers unfortunately girls and women are raised up in my country Afghanistan to blame themselves, to feel regret, to abbey husband and his family and to ignore our own life, our soul and mind and we grew up like this to make others happy but not our selves.
Never blame your self my dear sister never, think about all the good things you have, think about your writings. You can not change your husband and his family but you can guide your self, teach your self how to cope and fight for your wishes, at the end you are the winner no one else!
Make a map in your mind and make a different destination for your success to have a happy and successful life.
Best wishes for best in your life! Be strong it is the beginning of a long journey in your marriage life!
You sound a beautiful person……
Please know that you are not alone. I think you speak for millions of women–there are those in your homeland, but all over the world who must abide the wishes of autocratic parents, husbands, and family members. I can only imagine how painful and frustrating it is when everyone else is reinforcing this, and saying that “this is just how it is.” I know in my own life I resist other people’s control and overreach, and I believe that in all systems–family systems, governing systems–each person should have a say. I hope that you can take Pari’s advice and take special joy in your own heart and mind, and know that this is always yours, no matter what others say or do. I hope you can keep writing, too. Stacy