My friend Sharifa rents part of a large house along with five other families. When I went to visit her one day, I saw a woman sitting in the yard amidst a pile of clothes and a bucket of water. A man was standing over her. I was curious to see what was going on because the woman’s head was inside the bucket.
After asking other members of the household, I understood what was happening. The man, Ahmad, was the husband of the woman in the yard. He came home every weekend from studying at a religious school, and his wife, Nafisa, lived in the house along with his three sisters. One sister was married and she lived there with her husband, three children, and mother-in-law.
The extended family supported itself in many ways—renting out rooms for additional income, raising cows. The husband of the married sister was blind, but he contributed by selling toys.
Every weekend when Ahmad came home, his sisters gossiped about his wife Nafisa. Because of the gossip, he starting beating everyone in the household—including his mother, sisters, children, and of course, he beat his wife the most.
I stared at Nafisa and thought she was forced to do what she was doing, but since other neighbors showed no reaction to the scene, I wasn’t sure. I guessed Nafisa was washing her hair in the bucket. When I asked my friend what Nafisa was doing, she explained that as a punishment her husband forced her to drink the water after washing his dirty clothes.
Half an hour later I went outside to talk to Nafisa while she was still in the yard. Out of nowhere the sisters-in-law appeared before I could reach her and politely invited me into their home. We introduced ourselves and talked about the weather. They talked about their neighbors, but never mentioned what was really taking place inside their home.
Sharifa warned me by saying, “If we started to talk about the violence in their house, they will demonstrate it to me by beating me as much as they can!” I then asked her if I could talk to Nafisa.
Looking for answers
Anytime I went to Sharifa’s house I looked for an opportunity to talk to Nafisa. Finally, after two weeks I was able to meet her alone for ten minutes in the small, secluded backyard while she was hanging the clothes she had washed. I started the conversation by saying, “You don’t have to be treated this way. Your rights have been violated.” She denied that she was being beaten and said that she very happy with how she lived and asked me not to worry.
I understood her and felt helpless and short of words to explain to her. What could I have said? I saw that half of her head was bald. I knew it was not because it was styled to look like that, but was probably the result of her pulling out her hair. When I mentioned it to her she immediately covered it and left.
My friend told me she knew Nafisa would deny what was really happening. “I just wanted you to give it a try,” Sharifa said.
Living with them, Sharifa knew Nafisa’s story: Nafisa had no parents or siblings. When she was very young, her uncle had given her in marriage to Ahmad. After a year she could not tolerate the beatings and escaped to her uncle’s. Ahmad’s family apologized, bought some animals for her family to try and make restitution, and asked her to come back home. Nafisa refused. But when the uncle, who had been away on a trip, came back and saw Nafisa still in his house, he forced her to return to Ahmad’s.
The violence escalated. Nafisa was treated like the worst creature in the world, but she resigned herself to this fate.
Ahmad’s family had a history of violence. It was not only Nafisa who was subjected to abuse; it started when the children tried to beat their mother and grandmother. The sisters beat each other and sometimes even their own mother. And of course, every day Nafisa was also beaten.
Violence became part of Nafisa’s normal daily life!
By Sara
Editor’s note: Our writer will continue with this story in a future installment. Photo by Stan Ouse.
If only women in Afghanistan could have a way out and know about it, this wouldn’t be happening: domestic violence involving all the family members, women letting the violence continue against them and their family members. I hope a great change will happen in Afghanistan one day. I have heard of sex and social revolutions starting to take place in the Middle East, so I hope that they will spread to Afghanistan and change people views on women and violence for the better.
Dear Allison Walker,
I dont know what you mean by “sex and social revolution” but am sure that in future this situation will change but dont know in what cost, will it change in the future generations or in this generation, and many other questions that I dont have answer.
Sabera, thanks so much for sharing this story. I’m also looking forward to the rest of your series. The terrible mistreatment of women in Afghanistan just cannot be spoken about enough. As more and more women realize they are entitled to a voice, perhaps there’s a chance this situation can improve. You should feel very proud of your work, Sabera. Warmest regards.
Thanks for showing support. I did not write for more than a month because I thought I will not have any reader but seemingly I have people supporting me. you will soon see other writings of mine.
Dearest Sabera,
Thank you for writing this moving story about the brutality towards women within families. Through your voice, much will change. You speak the truth, and I am proud of your work.
Peace,
Suzanne
Thanks Suzanne,
If my voice can change things I will always keep it up.
Dear Sabera,
How do we end this violence?
Hi Denise,
I dont know how can I end the violence but am sure there is a way.
I somehow believed the same way (men being superior) not long a go but i changed because I went to US and saw they were not but everyone can not have opportunities that I have to change their believe but I believe that somehow showing women what they can do change their live. I dont know how and when is the right time for showing women what they can do.
Dear Sabera, I am looking forward to your next story. Using your powerful base of experience in talking to women in Kabul helps women around the world understand the Afghan culture. Do you think readers on this website would help bring Afghan girls to the United States for a high school education?
Hi,
In the future, I will write about how we can change afghan girls life and maybe that websites member will be interested to help some how.
Sabera, Thank you for sharing this story. You were very courageous to speak with Nafisa. Even though she denied the abuse to you, I am sure it helped her spirits to know that she was not completely alone. Change begins with individuals taking the risk to speak up and work together. I think you will do important work for your country’s women.
Thanks Jill,
I will try my best to do my responsibility toward women in my country :)
The role of a mother is much deeper then people imagine. How can someone judge a mother if you are not one yourself? Nafisa has no strong rights in this story, and is force to adapt to the violent environment. Even then, she will nevre stop being a loving mother.
This story should inspire other women who are abused by their husband to stand up for themselves, even though Nafisa didn’t have any other choice since she didn’t really have anyone supporting her and she couldn’t say anything, other women who have that chance to change their life from getting abuse should take it no matter how much you love your husband. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than get abused by my husband every single day. I hope this violence towards women would change soon and all women are able to live without being scared.
you right,
What if you have no place to go after you divorce from your husband? your parents (if you have one) will not accept you back. society will abuse you. no one give a house for a single woman and if they do they have certain expectation or image from you. in AFG if you are a woman you can not live alone :(
First I want to say thank you for sharing this story with the world. You are a brave person Nafisa. To stand up and give a interview whether its short or long.
I feel frightened that this evil is still happening. Doesn’t Allah teach you to be kind, nice, to help people, etc…? So how can this muslim do this, when it directly does the opposite of what his god tells him to.
I believe it is not about the religion
I know many people in different parts of the world with different religion and background who commit violence like this.
This story really touches me. I hope that one day Nafisia will find a way out of her situation. Thanks for sharing this Sabera. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope someday they will change the rules where you live. Your story was very strong. I hope the violence will stop soon especially when it is your friends husband that is abusing her.
After reading this story, it’s frightening to believe that things like this happen every day, and little is done to combat against it. This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed immediately. No one deserves this kind of torment, and it goes against Islam. Thank you for sharing this Sabera, you are a brave person. God bless you.
Thanks for sharing your story. I wish this violence ends pretty soon in your family and you have happy life thereafter.
Hi Liz,
this story is not happening in my family.
This story really showed me what really was happening to women in Afghanistan households and I genuinely hope for things to get better in Nafisa’s life because women should not be treated inhumanely that way by men. This article really wakes people up to read what happens to women in Afghanistan first-hand. I hope maybe as time goes by society will change and maybe then violence will finally be seen as a sin. Thank you for sharing this story.
Hi,
I believe violence is being seen as sin in some cases but it become a part of culture.
I hope that arranged marriages will cease and that women in Afghanistan have more rights. I wish that one day Nafisia’s situation will improve. Thanks for the insight, Sabera!
Thank you for sharing this story. I think that not women are not the only ones who should change by standing up to men, but I also think that men should stop abusing the women. The men should remember that they were brought into the world through their mother, a women. They should be thankful to all women as they are the ones raising the children and bringing in new life into the world. I also think that Magnus is right. Allah says that we should be kind and remember that life is only a temporary thing and he can take life away whenever he likes. We should cherish people, especially your family. Once again, thank you for sharing this story and I hope that one day, everyone will realize what they have done wrong.
I believe they know what are doing is wrong but they do it. for example smoking is wrong (bad for your health) but people do it. sleeping with prostitute is wrong but people do it.
Your story was very moving, Sabera. To hear how some people that are treated in Afghanistan is really sad. I hope that one day you are able to help Nafisa get out of her current predicament and help her live her life as she should, really happy. I wish you the best of luck.